Got a short little span of attention
And whoa, my nights are so long
Various lines from Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al” have been circulating through my brain lately. It’s definitely not a song about a woman in a postpartum fugue state, but it feels like it’s about me somehow. I sing a lot to myself: Why am I soft in the middle now? Why am I soft in the middle?
Dressing while nursing remains an interesting conundrum. I am impatient to not look so soft and kind-of-still-pregnant, but I at least remember that the adage of “nine months on, nine months off” has proven more or less true. I am wearing these linen pants from Quince more or less nonstop, and they have been a blessing. I wear schlubby T-shirts that I don’t care about, because they shall be doused with spit-up daily. I do a little skincare each day to feel sane. I don’t shave. I am reminding myself to preserve grace for my body and belly, which are still working hard, and in tandem with little Lucinda.
The dyad of the mother/infant relationship feels especially present and profound to me the third time around. She is an extension of my body, somehow, in her tiny, separate-but-not-separate person. Our bodies communicate without words. She can find me in bed; my body knows when she’s hungry and responds in kind; she stirs and moves toward me when she hears my voice, and I do the same for her. There is a strong physical desire to be close to each other, to not be separated, and it is a beautiful (if labor-intensive) design.
Now three and a half weeks old, Lucinda is “waking up” and she now will only sleep if she is touching your body. The nights are indeed long, but I remember that it’s a quick phase. Soon enough, she’ll be getting her driver’s license.
The weekdays at home with Guion and Lucy have been very peaceful. We’re reading a lot, taking walks around the neighborhood, and watching the garden slowly green itself and come back to life.
Newborn Survival Gear: Favorite Things This Time Around
Hatch Rest Go portable sound machine
Moses basket (used now for all three kiddos), similar to this
Wipes dispenser, as it is oddly pleasing to me to decant baby wipes into these boxes
Portable wipes dispensers, again, pleasing, for decanting those huge Costco wipes into and taking on the go
Boon Trove manual milk collector, so much better than the Hakaa!
Re-runs of New Girl, which has been just the right amount of amusing and mindless (and has surprised us at how genuinely funny it is upon a second watch; the physical comedy of Nick and Schmidt is perfect)
Currently reading
The Fountain Overflows, Rebecca West
A Midwife’s Tale, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
The Ladies of Grace Adieu and Other Stories, Susanna Clarke
Alphabetical Diaries, Sheila Heti
Biography of X, Catherine Lacey