Thanks for this. As a nearly 42yo mom of seven, with a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, I can’t tell you how many women my age and older I’ve spoken with who wistfully (or frantically, as the case may be) look back on their 20s and 30s and wish they had done differently. Looked for a marriageable man sooner (like way sooner). Been open to children sooner (like much sooner. Peak fertility is early to mid-20s, ladies). I sometimes regret my higher ed degrees, but I never regret my marriage and children.
Your comment about envy was insightful, too. So much of the narrative we’re sold is based on how we view others, usually other women. It’s unfortunate that we’re so short-sighted: how women look, the stuff they own, the places they go, the siren look of youth and individualism. The frazzled new mom of today at least has the potential to be the 80-something grandma or great-grandma. Maybe she would look with fondness on a career, too, but certainly not the same way she would cherish loved ones as she ages. No, marriage and children don’t happen for everyone (see your opening note to the post; good qualifier). But when they do, they grant literally lifelong gifts. That more young women would learn this, and learn it now.
I did feel ready at 30. I was in my first job that offered maternity leave (after five years in startups), and I’d been married a few years, and had recently completed some years-long fitness pursuits.
I am a younger mom at our kids Montessori preschool, which blows my mind, but I also think that community is somewhat self-selected based on ability to afford it (older parents = higher earners).
I cannot imagine trying to get through the baby / daycare years on my startup salary or lack of leave.
I decided to get married and have kids at 25.. which NO ONE my age was doing. Not on purpose at least.
I’ve had two girls since then. I’m now 31 and most of my parent peers at minimum 8 years older than me. But mostly in their early to mid forties.
It’s a bit lonely being the youngest parent. But I hold my own. Most of my non parent friends now are about 29-32 and I’m trying my best to encourage them to start the journey NOW wherever they may be in it.. because what I will say, is yes, most of the parents I know do wish they had started younger. Especially the parents who had fertility struggles.
It’s a mixed bag in my opinion. But I am so grateful for my choice. I have a ton of energy and I look forward to a very long life with my kids.
100% agree with this! I told my now husband after we had been dating a year or two that I was very certain I wanted to have my first baby before 30. At the time it felt like a bold proclamation because no one was talking about when they wanted kids, it was always school, career, travel, and then maybe one day have kids but only once you’ve had enough time to live. I wish I had known sooner in my 20s that life doesn’t cease when you have kids, grad school, career growth or change , can all happen with kids in tow, it just might look different or happen on a slower timeline. I would have wanted to start having kids much earlier in my 20s if had known this sooner.
I am now just shy of my 29th birthday and due to give birth any day to my first baby.
I've always wanted to be a mother, but I would tell friends my biggest dream is to be a grandmother, since she was my source of safety & stability. My biological clock started bullying my organs when I was 25, but what followed was a decade of partners making me feel unfit to be a parent due to my autistic meltdowns. (I did not know that's what they were, & could not advocate for myself.) When I met my fiancé, I told him before our first date that motherhood was the only goal I would not give up on. We've been together for five years, & are finally getting our ducks in a row to start trying... I'm terrified it took too long to secure the correct diagnosis (two decades & a dozen different therapists), to heal from childhood trauma, & find the right person. My meltdowns are milder, fewer & farther between than ever before--with the bonus that I've learned so much about neurodivergence, I feel prepared for anything... Yet the words of those who've dated & doubted me still ring in my ears (& even this title haunts me). At 40, with a soon-to-be husband of 46, we'll be lucky to have one--yet that one will be so very welcome!
Thanks for this. As a nearly 42yo mom of seven, with a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, I can’t tell you how many women my age and older I’ve spoken with who wistfully (or frantically, as the case may be) look back on their 20s and 30s and wish they had done differently. Looked for a marriageable man sooner (like way sooner). Been open to children sooner (like much sooner. Peak fertility is early to mid-20s, ladies). I sometimes regret my higher ed degrees, but I never regret my marriage and children.
Your comment about envy was insightful, too. So much of the narrative we’re sold is based on how we view others, usually other women. It’s unfortunate that we’re so short-sighted: how women look, the stuff they own, the places they go, the siren look of youth and individualism. The frazzled new mom of today at least has the potential to be the 80-something grandma or great-grandma. Maybe she would look with fondness on a career, too, but certainly not the same way she would cherish loved ones as she ages. No, marriage and children don’t happen for everyone (see your opening note to the post; good qualifier). But when they do, they grant literally lifelong gifts. That more young women would learn this, and learn it now.
I did feel ready at 30. I was in my first job that offered maternity leave (after five years in startups), and I’d been married a few years, and had recently completed some years-long fitness pursuits.
I am a younger mom at our kids Montessori preschool, which blows my mind, but I also think that community is somewhat self-selected based on ability to afford it (older parents = higher earners).
I cannot imagine trying to get through the baby / daycare years on my startup salary or lack of leave.
I decided to get married and have kids at 25.. which NO ONE my age was doing. Not on purpose at least.
I’ve had two girls since then. I’m now 31 and most of my parent peers at minimum 8 years older than me. But mostly in their early to mid forties.
It’s a bit lonely being the youngest parent. But I hold my own. Most of my non parent friends now are about 29-32 and I’m trying my best to encourage them to start the journey NOW wherever they may be in it.. because what I will say, is yes, most of the parents I know do wish they had started younger. Especially the parents who had fertility struggles.
It’s a mixed bag in my opinion. But I am so grateful for my choice. I have a ton of energy and I look forward to a very long life with my kids.
100% agree with this! I told my now husband after we had been dating a year or two that I was very certain I wanted to have my first baby before 30. At the time it felt like a bold proclamation because no one was talking about when they wanted kids, it was always school, career, travel, and then maybe one day have kids but only once you’ve had enough time to live. I wish I had known sooner in my 20s that life doesn’t cease when you have kids, grad school, career growth or change , can all happen with kids in tow, it just might look different or happen on a slower timeline. I would have wanted to start having kids much earlier in my 20s if had known this sooner.
I am now just shy of my 29th birthday and due to give birth any day to my first baby.
Congratulations! You are wise. Best wishes to you and your husband!
Thank you!
I've always wanted to be a mother, but I would tell friends my biggest dream is to be a grandmother, since she was my source of safety & stability. My biological clock started bullying my organs when I was 25, but what followed was a decade of partners making me feel unfit to be a parent due to my autistic meltdowns. (I did not know that's what they were, & could not advocate for myself.) When I met my fiancé, I told him before our first date that motherhood was the only goal I would not give up on. We've been together for five years, & are finally getting our ducks in a row to start trying... I'm terrified it took too long to secure the correct diagnosis (two decades & a dozen different therapists), to heal from childhood trauma, & find the right person. My meltdowns are milder, fewer & farther between than ever before--with the bonus that I've learned so much about neurodivergence, I feel prepared for anything... Yet the words of those who've dated & doubted me still ring in my ears (& even this title haunts me). At 40, with a soon-to-be husband of 46, we'll be lucky to have one--yet that one will be so very welcome!